The Reactor vs. The Suppressor: Understanding Emotional Dynamics in Relationships

How About You? Identifying Your Emotional Communication Style.

Have you ever felt like you and your partner are stuck in the same argument, playing out familiar roles in a script you never chose? In the complex dynamics of relationships, emotional responses drive much of how we interact and respond to one another. Two powerful, recurring archetypes often emerge in these exchanges: the Reactor and the Suppressor. Recognizing and understanding these roles can be transformative, revealing how patterns from our past—often rooted in childhood experiences—shape our present connections, sometimes trapping couples in cycles of pain and conflict.

The Reactor tends to express emotions immediately and intensely, often out of a need to feel heard or validated. On the other hand, the Suppressor holds back their emotions, often as a self-protective strategy learned from past experiences where showing vulnerability felt unsafe or unproductive. While these roles aim to protect, they can also keep both partners from connecting openly and deeply.

Let’s dive deeper to understand these two archetypes.

The Reactor: Hyper-Emotional Responses

The Reactor archetype, is typically characterized by strong emotional responses, often triggered by perceived criticism or emotional neglect from their partner. This role, while commonly observed in women, can apply to anyone who feels deeply affected by others' actions or words, especially when those actions tap into fears of rejection or being unloved. For the Reactor, perceived criticism or signs of emotional neglect can feel like personal attacks, often triggering immediate responses like crying, yelling, cursing, withdrawing, or other visible signs of distress. These responses stem from deep-seated fears of abandonment, inadequacy, or being unloved, which have roots in their childhood experiences.

In personal relationships, a Reactor might interpret a partner's distraction or critical comment as a deeper signal of dissatisfaction, which can lead to impulsive reactions aimed at regaining a sense of control or attention. For example, if one partner arrives late to a date, the Reactor might feel dismissed or undervalued and respond with anger or withdrawal. This reaction can set off a cycle where the partner feels unfairly blamed, creating a back-and-forth of defensiveness and frustration that ultimately widens the emotional gap between them. Over time, these heightened responses can lead to feelings of emotional burnout in both parties, as each reaction digs deeper into unresolved insecurities or unaddressed emotional needs.

In professional settings, the Reactor's role can be particularly challenging, especially in co-leadership roles like a partnership between founders. Imagine a scenario where one partner questions a strategic decision, and the Reactor perceives this as an attack on their judgment or competence. This can lead to defensive behavior, such as abruptly rejecting feedback or shutting down communication. Over time, this can erode trust, making it difficult for business partners to work collaboratively and objectively. The cycle of perceived criticism and reactive defensiveness can lead to stalled decision-making and, in some cases, contribute to the breakdown of the partnership itself. The Reactor’s heightened sensitivity, while rooted in an understandable need for respect and validation, may inadvertently create an environment where issues are magnified and constructive feedback becomes a trigger rather than a tool for growth.

Personal Story

I remember in my twenties and maybe into my early thirties, I was the quintessential Reactor in personal relationships. I’d let things pile up—little annoyances, disrespect here, disrespect there, unresolved conflicts, or situations where I felt dismissed, taken for granted or disrespected. Instead of addressing them one by one, I’d let them simmer until finally, I’d erupt like a volcano. I even earned the nickname “Lil Tupac” because, when the time came, I could unleash with passion, lacing my words with fire in true fire sign spirit and sometimes a few choice expletives. After letting my voice blaze like a wildfire I’d then become the villain in the story.

As I reflected back over the years, it was clear how that pattern came from a place of feeling unheard and undervalued, which only made the emotional buildup even worse. Over time, I learned that expressing my feelings more regularly and openly could help me avoid those explosive moments and actually connect with others in a healthier way. The journey from Reactor to someone who responds with intention hasn’t been easy, but it’s allowed me to channel that energy into more constructive and compassionate communication.

Understanding and managing this archetype involves recognizing these emotional responses as natural but working toward constructive communication.

Reflecting on Emotional Triggers in Leadership:

Do you recognize any patterns in yourself that align with the Reactor archetype—such as feeling emotionally triggered by perceived criticism or unmet needs? If so, how do these reactions show up in your leadership? Consider how past experiences may be influencing your responses today. How might becoming aware of these triggers help you approach challenges with a greater sense of calm and resilience?

The Suppressor: Guarding Against Vulnerability

On the other end of the emotional spectrum is the Suppressor archetype, someone who typically shuts down or distances themselves emotionally when faced with conflict. Although this role is often associated with men, it can apply to anyone who leans toward internalizing emotions rather than expressing them. Suppressors tend to avoid confrontation, preferring to remain silent or detached during heated moments.

Suppressors often shape their emotional patterns early in life, especially in environments where open emotional expression wasn’t safe or encouraged. For many, this suppression becomes a survival strategy—an attempt to avoid conflict or rejection. As a child who grew up in a home where feelings were masked and unwelcomed, I took on this role naturally, always aiming to please and adapt to others’ expectations, often at the expense of my own feelings and needs. This people-pleasing nature became part of my identity, and in conflict, my instinct was to withdraw rather than express my feelings openly. It created an internal barrier that I had to unlearn as I grew up.

A common personal scenario occurs with fathers and sons: imagine a father who, consciously or not, discourages his son’s emotional openness. This could take the form of dismissive comments (“Stop crying, be a man”), talking over his son’s attempts to express himself, or even using physical intimidation. This kind of response teaches the son to associate vulnerability with weakness or fear of rejection, ultimately instilling the belief that withholding emotions is safer than expressing them.

For example, a son may try to share feelings of sadness or frustration, only to be met with his father’s impatience or anger, sometimes escalating into emotionally abusive or physical responses. Over time, the son learns that emotional expression leads to discomfort or harm and becomes more emotionally closed off, likely carrying this pattern into adulthood as a Suppressor. This pattern can extend to mothers as well, where a mother might use harsh criticism or emotional manipulation to control her child’s expressions of vulnerability. By belittling or dismissing their child’s feelings, parents communicate—intentionally or not—that certain emotions are unacceptable, reinforcing emotional suppression as a protective strategy.

For both sons and daughters raised in such environments, these learned behaviors affect relationships as adults, often leading them to suppress emotions rather than engage in open communication. This dynamic can be particularly challenging in relationships, where unexpressed feelings can create resentment or misunderstandings, ultimately leading to disconnection and a lack of emotional intimacy and safety.

The Suppressor’s avoidance strategy can function as a defense mechanism, a way to control and shield themselves from discomfort or perceived threats. By minimizing engagement, they reduce the chance of feeling hurt, judged, or misunderstood. However, this approach can unintentionally create a disconnect, particularly with partners who value emotional openness. In relationships, the Suppressor’s retreat can leave their partner, often the Reactor, feeling neglected, dismissed, or invalidated. This dynamic can trap both individuals in a feedback loop: the Reactor’s escalating need for validation or response drives the Suppressor deeper into withdrawal, intensifying feelings of isolation for both.

For instance, in personal relationships, if the Suppressor’s partner brings up a concern with emotional urgency, the Suppressor may instinctively respond by shutting down, avoiding or offering minimal responses. Rather than resolving the issue, this withdrawal often leads to further misunderstandings, with the Reactor feeling more desperate for connection and the Suppressor feeling overwhelmed and closed off.

In professional settings, this can create friction, and confusion particularly in leadership or collaborative roles where communication is key. Imagine a partnership between co-founders where one partner is emotionally expressive (the Reactor) and the other is a Suppressor. If the Reactor passionately presents a new idea, and the Suppressor remains silent or offers only curt feedback, it can lead to frustration and tension, damaging trust and teamwork over time.

Navigating the Suppressors and Reactors Archetype

To navigate these challenges, both Suppressors and Reactors can benefit from finding balanced ways to express and regulate their emotions. Suppressors might start with small steps, like acknowledging when they need time to process emotions or using a pre-written note to share their thoughts. For Reactors, practicing self-soothing techniques, like deep breathing or brief grounding exercises, before responding can help diffuse heightened emotions and promote clearer communication.

Tune in tomorrow for more tailored tools to help both Reactors and Suppressors move toward healing and open, empathetic, and effective communication in their relationships.

The third archetype (below) is one that I created.

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